re: #217 Glenn Beck’s Grand Unifying Theory of Obdicut

I’ve been tempted, recently, to grow a beard.

When I was a wee lad of about 4 or 5, I encountered one of my dad’s employees who had a glorious beard that would have made Zeus Himself bow his head in respect. I had never seen a beard before, so of course I asked him why he had hair on his face. He said something along the lines of, “It’s something MEN can do. When you’re a man, you’ll have it too.”

So from that point on, I thought, “aww yeah, being male is great. Some day I too will have a magnificent beard, and that will fucking rule.”

Well, lo and behold, I’m now 39 years old and I can’t grow anything remotely resembling a Beard of the Gods. My facial hair comes in black and as coarse as a brillo pad, but tragicomically sparse, patchy, and asymmetrical. I suppose if I let it go for about 6 months I might have something to work with, but mostly I just end up looking like a hobo with mange. It’s truly one of the most disappointing realities of adulthood for me, right along with the randomly occurring knee pain.